Yesterday in a wine and beer store I met a tow truck driver visiting from Kamloops and he was a such a friendly fellow that we ended up going out to dinner that night. He had so many stories to share, and I think he liked telling them to me because, well, firstly we had a lot of wine to drink and, secondly, I was so willing to listen. One story about his wine collection in particular was my favorite and I got him to tell it to me again later that night because he agreed it’d be okay if I shared it on my blog about wine. So here’s the story!
For privacy reasons I’ll just call this kind man Jimmy. Jimmy’s a huge collector of wine. In fact he loves wine so much that around Christmas time he tells his employers to give his bonus money all in rare, expensive wines. He’s been driving tow trucks for Kamloops Towing for years now and so between his bonuses and his own endeavors he had gathered quite the collection. But this story get’s funny really fast because at the time his wife, who is now his ex-wife, hated wine and always balked and scolded every time he brought home a new bottle. She was a sober Catholic and thought wine was a drink of the Devil. I don’t know how they ever got married, but anyway Jimmy’s collection was worth nearly $30,000 at its heyday. When him and his wife started having fights, she would always threaten him by saying she would smash all his wine bottles if he didn’t do as she liked.
One day a fight got out of control and she actually stormed down into the basement where the wine was kept, screaming about how she was going to knock all the wine shelves over. Of course, Jimmy rushed down after her and grabbed her arm to stop her and to his surprise she stopped and started crying. They didn’t say another word to each other that night, but something strange started to happen.
Every night Jimmy likes to peruse through his wine collection and choose a bottle to pour himself a glass. He started noticing that wine was missing from many of his best bottles and he was kind of peeved because they weren’t kept properly. His most expensive wines were being opened without being refrigerated and some of them were already spoiled. He asked his wife how this could be, and she said she had a headache and didn’t feel like talking. Jimmy knew this headache of hers was a good clue so the next day he decided to come home from work at lunch to surprise her. He brought flowers as a faint, bluffing an apology for all the fights they had had recently, but what he was really expecting was to find her drunk in the basement.
Sure enough Jimmy came down the steps with the flowers and found his wife passed out in the couch with a bottle in one hand and an ambiguous pleasure-device half deposited in the other. I don’t want to put in too much details in case children are reading but it looked as though the pleasure-device had done its job and she had passed out before taking it out. Jimmy found the sight to be hilarious and he left the flowers by her side and went back to his tow truck.
When he came home that night with Chinese food, he found his Catholic wife praying to God in the kitchen. Apparently she had had quite the trip and thought a ghost had left the flowers for her while she was sleeping and so was praying to God to stop this ghost from haunting her. Jimmy played along, pretending to believe her, but when she suspected that it was him who had left the flowers and that perhaps he had discovered her daytime secret, she stormed down into the basement using her same old threat of smashing all the wine bottles. Jimmy at this point had had enough and he went outside to his tow truck and drove to a hotel to enjoy the Superbowl in peace, knowing his wife would never actually destroy all his wine bottles. He knew this because obviously she was enjoying them even more than he was.
In the morning he went out to work in his tow truck, being the awesome kind man that he is. He towed a bunch of cars around Kamloops and then, knowing his wife had stopped cooking dinner for him several years ago, brought Chinese food again. When he came home he found his wife seated at the table with a rather smug look on her face. She had divorce papers by her elbow and glanced at them before leaving the room. Jimmy took the time to read the papers and stapled to them was a list of all the items his wife’s lawyer had stated she should keep once the divorce was finalized. Right at the top of the list beside “the house” was, of course, “the wine collection.” Jimmy’s heart at that moment went from angry to pure laughter. All this time his Catholic wife had been scolding him about his wine, threatening to smash it all, and now here she was threatening to take it all away for herself.
The end of this story isn’t as funny as all this though. Jimmy got a lawyer for himself and, thank God, he got to keep his house and his wine collection. He changed the locks on all the doors knowing his ex-wife probably still had a key. Weeks passed by and one day Jimmy came home to find one of his windows smashed. Right away he suspected what had happened and went into the basement to find that, indeed, finally, his wife had kept her word. All of his wine bottles were shattered across the floor and there on the couch, beside an old suspicious stain, was a letter that read: “This is what you get for drinking the Devil’s drink!”
Although Jimmy was quite distraught by this, he kept the letter and now he has it framed above his new wine collection. Today he finds that letter to be the most hilarious thing in the world, and he can’t think about his ex-wife for one moment without laughing his butt off.
So there we have it. I hope you laughed as hard as I did when I first heard this story. I’m glad I got the chance to share it!